Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
