I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
