Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
