i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize