3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
we're making bets on your personal life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
