You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
