How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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