I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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