We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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