Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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