seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize