My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
