I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
