There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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