Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We need to rekindle our bromance
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
BRING THE BAGELS
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