i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
