Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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