I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
