I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize