Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
