have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
