Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
