And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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