The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
