last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
