I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
