so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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