my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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