I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
