T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
