I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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