So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
even my farts smell like vagina
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
