Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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