Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
