Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize