The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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