I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
