Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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