So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
