You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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