I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
