Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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