my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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