maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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