As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize