she woke up with a sticky ear
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
