I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
