I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
