Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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