i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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