people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize