new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How does one acquire holy water?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
