Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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