She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize