My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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