i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
