yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
