i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
