My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
