I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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