she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
