Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
