So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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