so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
