I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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