If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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