Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
