I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
