Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
